The Longest Yard Quotes (2005)
[after Crewe decides to come back to the game]
Turley: I’m glad you’re back, now I don’t have to stab you.
[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
Guard Lambert: Is that legal?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don’t get short with me.
Big Tony: [reading sign] Foot… ball… tree… outs. What the hell’s a tree-out?
Brucie: It’s try-out, you half a meatball.
Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!… or not. Or not.
Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta protect your McNuggets!
Brucie: [Brucie is about to kick off] Our Savior Jesus, help me do this right and I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black men.
Chris Berman: Whooooop!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I’m in love.
Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!… or not. Or not.
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback…
Brucie: You haven’t played in years! Why can’t I be quarterback?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: You’re right; let’s see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Hit me; I’m open!
Brucie: [throws wild pass]
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: That’s why, now sit down and shut up.
Caretaker: [Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!
Caretaker: That boy got slave feet!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here’s to the first friend I’ve had in I-don’t-know-how-long
Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski: OK.
Guard Dunham: Does the n-word offend you… nigger?
Earl Megget: No, sir.
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: I think Papajohn’s their safety.
Turley: [smiles, nods] I’ll play!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You’re as maniacal as a box of kittens.
Switowski: He broke-ded my nose
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski: How do I look?
Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski: I love little Mikey.
Switowski: Will you teach me to football?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Sure, I’ll teach you to football.
Caretaker: I’ll teach you anything. Just don’t eat me.
Ms. Tucker: Do the girls get to play?
Caretaker: No, we’re playing football, not balls-balls
Earl Megget: Y’all got a running back?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Not any good ones.
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers…
Cheeseburger Eddy: It ain’t easy being cheesy!
Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker: Yep.
Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Unger: It’s gonna flow like the ancient rivers of Babylon!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: That’s good news.
Baby Face Bob: [after the game, to Chris Berman] Remember Chris, criminals are people too…
[suddenly appears aggressive]
Baby Face Bob: Now give me your wallet!
Chris Berman: [Backs down a little and looks frightened]
Baby Face Bob: [Laughs] Just kidding.
Captain Knauer: Do you have any idea who’s beating you out there? This was supposed to be a blow out and they’re showing you up in front of the whole nation. The whole nation!
Guard Engleheart: I like it when he’s angry.
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: I’ll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you’re not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin’ what you got coming to you.
Warden Hazen: Only thing coming to me is victory.
Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: No, he didn’t do it on puropse…
[glances over at Turley]
Paul ‘Wrecking’ Crewe: Okay maybe he did.
Guard Engleheart: Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!
Lorenzo: I love that dress.
Lena: Of course you do, Lorenzo, you made it.
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