Hook Quotes (1991)
Kids: Ruf-io, Ru-fio, Ru-fio. Ru-fi-ooooooooooooo.
Peter Banning: [Jack is angry at his Dad and tossing his baseball to the ceiling and catching it] Will you stop doing that? You could break a window
Jack: It’s double layered, it won’t break!
[he demonstrates his point by banging his ball against the glass]
Peter Banning: [confiscating the ball] Give me that.
[Hook hangs Maggie and Jack from a net atop the mast, telling Peter that all he has to do is touch their hands, and they'll all go free]
Peter Banning: Uh…
[whispers in Hook's ear]
Captain Hook: You *must* be joking.
[Peter whispers again]
Captain Hook: What? Peter has a problem with heights?
[laughter from all the pirates]
Peter Banning: [while the children are running around making a noise, shouting into the phone] What, five thousand grand? Why doesn’t somebody just shoot me in the head?
Jack: [making a gun gesture with his hands] BANG, BANG!
Peter Banning: [abandoning call] LOOK EVERYBODY, JUST SHUT UP!
Jack: [backing away in fright] I’m s-sorry
Peter Banning: And leave me alone for one moment! Moira, get ‘em outta here, I’m on the phone call of my life!
Jack: [exits with Maggie]
Granny Wendy: So… your adventures are over.
Peter Banning: Oh, no. To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure
Captain James Hook: Hear me, men. For reasons of good form, I have decided that the so-called Pan will return in three days to commit the arbitrament of the sword. Smee, translate.
Smee: In three days, we’re gonna have a war! A battle between good and evil to the death!
Captain Hook: [over the airplane intercom] Hello Ladies and Gentlemen this is your Captain speaking…
Wendy Darling: What is this?
[she points to Jack's baseball mitt]
Jack: Oh, it’s a baseball glove. You can catch things with it. Take things out of the oven. Or you can hit your sister with it.
Captain James Hook: [to Peter] You know you’re not really Peter Pan, don’t you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you’ll just be Peter Banning – a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, who’s obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children.
Peter Pan: To die would be a great adventure.
Smee: If there’s anybody not fighting, get here quick.
Peter Banning: [flying to England on a plane in turbulence] I’m not gonna make it to my next birthday.
Moira Banning: You’re not gonna die without a phone and fax machine.
Peter Banning: I’m halfway there. I got the phone in my briefcase.
Rufio: [after getting stabbed by Captain Hook] Do you know what I wish?
Peter Pan: What?
Rufio: I wish I had a dad… like you.
Jack: Oh, Dad, I’m sorry.
Maggie: [after Peter rescues her and Jack from Captain Hook] Let’s go home, Daddy! He’s just a mean old man without a mommy!
Smee: Good Mooooooooooooorning Neverland. Here he is, a man so deep, he’s almost unfathomable. A man so quick, he’s almost fast asleep. I give you, the steel handed stingray, Captain James Hook.
Captain Hook: Peter. I swear to you wherever you go, wherever you are, I vow there will always be daggers buried in notes signed James Hook. They will be flung into doors of your children’s children’s children, do you hear me?
Peter Pan: What do you want, old man?
Captain Hook: Just you.
Peter Banning: [unearthing his cell phone] Wow. Brad, hi, you been holding this long? Uh huh. Neverland. Lost Boys. Jim Hook, duel to the death, I’ll tell you about it later, I love to chat. But I gotta climb a drain pipe right now. Why? Because I ran out of fairy dust, if not I would’ve flown up.
[surprised he asks]
Peter Banning: Why?
[Peter falls over and hits his head]
Peter Banning: Oh, look, stars.
Tinkerbell: That’s right, Peter. Second star to the right and straight on till morning.
Smee: Smee, Smee. What About Smee? Smee! Smee! Smee. Smee. What about Smee? Smee’s me. What about me?
Maggie: But Jack says you’re not the really real Wendy.
Wendy Darling: Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is? That is the same window and this is the same room where we made up bedtime stories telling about Peter, Neverland, and scary old Captain Hook. But did you know that Mr. Barrie… well, Sir James, our neighbor. He loved our stories so much that he wrote them all down in a book… oh dear me… eighty years ago.
Maggie: You’re really old.
Wendy Darling: That’s very true.
Pockets, Lost Boy: Oh, there you are, Peter!
Peter Banning: [Arriving at Wendy's home] Remember, children, you’re in England. Land of good manners.
[He rings the doorbell]
Peter Banning: [Toodles opens the door] Toodles!
Toodles: It’s snowing!
[He slams the door in Peter's face]
Peter Banning: Hook, you let those kids out of that net in less than one minute or you better get an attorney and hope to God he’s better than me.
Captain Hook: Who are you?
Peter Banning: I’m Peter Banning, Attorney at Law, these are my children and I want them back.
Captain Hook: These are your…
Peter Banning: Children.
Captain Hook: These are your children.
Peter Banning: Yes they are.
Captain Hook: And you are?
Peter Banning: Peter.
Captain Hook: You’re Peter?
Peter Banning: Yes?
Captain Hook: You’re Peter?
Peter Banning: Yes.
Captain Hook: No.
Peter Banning: Yes.
Captain Hook: You’re Peter?
Peter Banning: Yes. Is there an echo in here? Yes.
Captain Hook: My great and worthy opponent?
Peter Banning: Yes.
Captain Hook: No! Smee, who is this impostor?
Lost Boys: Pick ‘em up! Move ‘em down! Pick ‘em on up! Move ‘em on down! Ain’t no time to celebrate! You are old and overweight! Gotta lose a million pounds! Get your fat butt off the ground! Reach on down and touch your toes! How long since you looked at those? Shape up! Lose weight! Get thin! Gotta win! Jumping jacks are good for you! Now your face is turning blue! Swing your arms around your back! Give yourself a heart attack! Gotta train! In the rain! In the sun! In the snow! Ten below! Gotta move! Gotta do! Gotta crow!
Captain Hook: I want… my… mommy!
Captain Hook: Peter Pan, prepare to meet thy doom.
Peter Pan: Dark and sinister man, have at thee.
Captain Hook: Death is the only adventure you have left.
Peter Pan: Don’t mess with me man, I’m a lawyer.
Maggie: Peter Pan’s my… dad?
Tinkerbell: I believe in you, Peter Pan.
Peter Banning: What is this? Some sort of “Lord of the Flies” pre-school? Where are your parents? Who’s in charge here?
[the Lost Boys all point to Rufio]
Peter Banning: No-o,
[pause]
Peter Banning: No-o-o Mr. Skunk-head with too much mousse, you are just a punk kid. I WANT TO SPEAK TO A GROWN-UP!
Rufio: All grown-ups are pirates.
Peter Banning: Excuse me?
Rufio: We kill pirates.
Thud Butt: I remember Toodles.
Peter Pan: How could you remember Toodles?
Thud Butt: He was a lost boy. These are his marbles. These are his happy thoughts.
Peter Pan: Ha ha ha. He really did lose his marbles, didn’t he?
Thud Butt: Yeah, he lost them good.
Peter Pan: I remember you being a lot bigger.
Captain Hook: To a ten year-old I’m huge.
[Encountering Tinkerbell for the first time]
Peter Pan: Firefly from hell.
Wendy Darling: So, Peter, you’ve become a pirate.
Peter Banning: [to Tinkerbell] Are you related to Mighty Mouse?
Wendy Darling: The stories are true! I swear to you! And now he’s come back to seek his revenge. The fight isn’t over for Captain James Hook. He wants you back. He knows that you’ll follow Jack and Maggie to the ends of the earth and beyond. And by heavens, you must find a way. Only you can save your children. Somehow, you must go back. You must make yourself remember.
Peter Banning: Remember what?
Wendy Darling: Peter, don’t you know who you are?
Captain Hook: He’ll crow. He’ll fight. He’ll fly. And then… he’ll die.
Rufio: [falls to his knees holding his sword up in his hands] You are the Pan
[Peter takes the sword from him, draws a line in the sand between him and Rufio and all the lost boys run over to stand behind him. Rufio stands up, Peter bows to him and he returns the bow]
Rufio: You can fly, you can fight and you can…
Peter Banning: I bet you don’t even have a fourth grade reading level.
Rufio: Hemorrhoidal suck naval.
Peter Banning: Or maybe a fifth grade reading level.
[kids whistle and waves their hands around]
Rufio: Boil dripping beef fart sniffing bubble butt.
Kids: Bangarang, Rufio.
Peter Banning: Someone has a severe ca-ca mouth, you know that?
Rufio: You are fart factory, cheesy, scab picked, pimple squeezing finger bandage. A week old maggot burger with everything on it and flies on the side.
Peter Banning: Substitute chemistry teacher.
Rufio: Mung tongue.
Peter Banning: Math tutor.
Rufio: Pinhead.
Peter Banning: Prison barber.
Rufio: Mother lover.
Peter Banning: Nearsighted gynecologist.
Rufio: In your face, camel cake.
Peter Banning: In your rear, cow derrière.
Rufio: Lying, crying, spying, prying ultra-pig.
Peter Banning: You lewd, crude, rude, bag of pre-chewed food dude.
Kids: Bangarang, Peter.
Rufio: You… you man! You stupid, stupid man!
Peter Banning: Rufio, if I’m a maggot burger why don’t you EAT ME, you two-toned zebra-headed paramecium brain, munchin’ on your own mucus, suffering from Peter Pan envy?
Don’t Ask: What’s a paramecium brain?
Peter Banning: I’ll tell you what a paramecium is. It’s a one-celled critter with no brain, that can’t fly. Don’t mess with me man, I’m a lawyer!
Kids: [chanting] Banning, Banning, Banning, Banning.
Tinkerbell: Peter, you know that place between asleep and awake. That place you still can remember your dreams…
[Peter slightly nods]
Tinkerbell: …That’s were I’ll always love you, Peter Pan.
Pirate: Aren’t you?
Peter Banning: Peter Pan.
[jumps out the window]
Peter Banning: You’re a… you’re a complex Freudian hallucination having something to do with my mother and I don’t know why you have wings, but you have very lovely legs and you’re a very nice tiny person and what am I saying, I don’t know who my mother was; I’m an orphan and I’ve never done drugs because I missed the sixties, I was an accountant.
Tinkerbell: Guess again.
Wendy Darling: [leaving the room after putting Maggie and Jack to bed] Dear night-light protect my sleeping babes. Burn clear and steadfast tonight.
Peter Banning: [flying from Neverland with his children] Thank you for believing.
Captain Hook: [Wielding his sword ready to fight Peter] Are you ready for me Peter… come one… humour the Hook!
Toodles: I’ve forgotten how to fly.
Inspector Good: Yes, well… one does.
[Rufio has just pulled a sword]
Peter Pan: All right! Okay, show’s over, you *put* that thing away! Now put it down before you poke somebody’s eye out!
Maggie: [playing Wendy] Boy, why are you crying?
Boy playing Peter Pan: I was crying ’cause I couldn’t get my shadow to stick.
Besides, I wasn’t crying.
Email This Post