Dumb & Dumber Quotes (1994)
Lloyd: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry-you’re hands are freezing!
Harry: You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?
Harry: Who’s got the foot long?
Lloyd: That’s a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?
Lady at bus stop: Austria.
Lloyd: Austria! Well, then. G’day mate! Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!
Lady at bus stop: Let’s not.
Harry: What’s her last name? I’ll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it’s on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It’s right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Harry: Where did you get those?
Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd; we are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd: This didn’t come out of our travel fund.
Harry: Oh.
Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4-C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: Stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: I don’t know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
[cough]
Lloyd: Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn’t even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it…
Billy: Pretty bird, yeah, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird… Polly want a cracker?
Lloyd: When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I’d do anything to bone her.
Harry: That’s a special feeling.
Mary: [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird] Who are these sick people?
Beth: [at the gas station] Uh sir, you’re… you’re spraying everywhere…
Lloyd: [after a confrontation with Sea Bass] You really wimped out, man.
Harry: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha… Did you s… The guy hawked on my burger!
Lloyd: I said, “Do you love me?” and she said, “No, but that’s a really nice ski mask.”
Harry: Where’s the booze?
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn’t even see it coming.
Harry: Oh, no, no.
Lloyd: Come on, Harry.
Harry: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd: Yeah?
Harry: He’s dead.
Lloyd: Oh, man, I’m sorry. What happened?
Harry: His head fell off.
Lloyd: His head fell off?
Harry: Yeah. He was pretty old.
Lloyd: I’ll bet you twenty dollars I can get you gambling before the day is out!
Harry: No!
Lloyd: I’ll give you three to one odds.
Harry: No.
Lloyd: Five to one.
Harry: No.
Lloyd: Ten to one?
Harry: You’re on!
Lloyd: I’m gonna get ya!
Harry: Nu uh!
Lloyd: I don’t know how but I’m gonna get ya.
Harry: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg…
Lloyd: Okay, Kill Him!
Lloyd: She actually talked to me.
Harry: Get outta here!
[checking Harry & Lloyd's apartment]
Mental: Briefcase ain’t here, they must’ve taken it with them.
J.P. Shay: Well, he’s gotta come home sometime.
Mental: Maybe we should trash the place, send them a little message.
J.P. Shay: [looks around] I don’t think he’s gonna get that message Joe, I mean, the guy’s got worms in his living room.
Beth: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next?
Lloyd: No and I DON’T CARE!
[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber, you go and do something like this… and totally redeem yourself!
Harry: Check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd Christmas: I’d like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti.
Lloyd: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?
Harry: What’s her last name? I’ll look it up.
Lloyd: You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it’s on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It’s right here.
[He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.
Harry: Hi Lloyd!
Lloyd Christmas: Hi Harry!
Harry: How was your day?
Lloyd Christmas: Not bad. Fell of a jetway again.
Lloyd: Mary… I desperately want to make love to a school-boy.
Lloyd Christmas: This isn’t my real job you know.
Mary Swanson: No?
Lloyd Christmas: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms!
Mary Swanson: I beg your pardon?
Lloyd Christmas: I got worms! That’s what we’re going to call it. We’re going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What’s the matter, a little tense about the flight?
Mary Swanson: Something like that.
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