Bruce Almighty Quotes (2003)
Bruce: B-E-A-utiful.
Bruce: We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music.
Vol Kowolski: I work in back, I see no smiles.
Bruce: I’m Bruce Nolan with Eyewitness Nose… Eyewitness Nose… that’s right!
Grace: You still have to go over there, the nurse is waiting.
Bruce: Oh, do I have to?
Grace: Oh, it’s not going to hurt. In fact I think you might find it quite pleasurable.
Bruce: What is with that?
Bruce: [Walks out of his apartment singing, and notices his beat-up car] Good grief, is THAT what I’m driving?
Teen: [When bruce starts his car, a more powerful engine starts revving] Whoa! Nice car, man!
Bruce: Yeah… It gets me from A to B
[Bruce backs out of his space to reveal he is now in a Saleen S7 supercar]
Bruce: [Sitting in traffic in his Saleen S7] Gee, all this horsepower, and no room to gallop!
Bruce: [revving his car] Come on come on… start!
[slams his hands against the steering wheel, the car starts]
Bruce: [stunned] That was luck.
Grace: So God is picking on you?
Bruce: The only one around here not doing his job is you!
Bruce: How do you make so many people love you without affecting Free Will?
God: [snorts] Heh, welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, let me know.
Bruce: Love me. Love me.
Grace: …I did.
Grace: I’ve never seen the moon that big.
Bruce: We really shouldn’t waste it.
[referring to the seven fingers on Bruce's right hand]
God: I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn’t eat for three weeks.
Bruce: I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done.
Bruce: And that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Bruce: Nice to meet you, g-d. Nice job on the Grand Canyon and good luck with the apocalypse.
Grace: I’ve got a very rare blood type. I’m AB positive.
Bruce: Well I’m IB positive. I be positive they ain’t touching me with no needle.
Grace: Debbie won the lottery.
Bruce: Oh, yeah? You’re kidding.
Grace: But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
[Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads]
Bruce: Okay, now you’re just showing off.
Bruce: Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away. Don’t like it? Megabyte me.
Bruce: Where are you going?
God: I’m taking a vacation.
Bruce: God doesn’t take vacations. Does he?… Do… ye?
God: Did you ever hear of the dark ages? Besides, I’m covered. You can clear everything up in five minutes, if you want to. Right?
God: People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is that they have the power. You want to see a miracle? Be the miracle.
Bruce and God: It’s GOOD.
Bruce: So you’re the janitor, electrician, the boss. Must be one hell of a Christmas party… don’t get drunk though, one of you may need a ride home
[laughing]
God: [laughing] You’ve always had a sense of humor, Bruce, just like your father.
[at the bakery, Vol is picking his nose ]
Bruce: It’s a good thing I’m wearing this
[tugs at hair net]
Bruce: because I wouldn’t want any stray hairs falling into the booger!
Announcer: Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six, with Susan Ortega, Evan Baxter, Fred Donahue Sports, Dallas Coleman Weather. And now, Buffalo’s Number One News Team.
Susan Ortega: Good Evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at Six. I’m Susan Ortega.
Evan Baxter: And I’m Evan Baxter and here’s what’s making news. A potential scandal with the Buffalo P.D. surfaced today when the mayor d-bow debit
[choked off]
Evan Baxter: [high pitched] D-bow d-bit d-bow
[unintelligible chicken squawking]
Evan Baxter: Bucka-bow, dee buck.
Director: Someone get him some water please.
Susan Ortega: Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Evan Baxter: [clears throat] Oh, there we go. Sorry about that. In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France.
Director: What’d he just say? Check the prompter.
Technician: The prompter’s fine.
Director: Evan, READ THE COPY. Please. The copy’s good. Just read it.
Evan Baxter: The White House reception committee greeted the Prime Ribroast Minister and… I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl. I lik-a do da cha-cha. I’m sorry we seem to be having some technical difficulties. In other news
[breaks wind]
Evan Baxter: Ohhhh. My apologies. Bulla blah, bulla blabity bulla bla
[rapid unitelligible gibberish]
Evan Baxter: Blabity blab bulla blah
[explosive gibberish]
Evan Baxter: [continues for 35 seconds]
[vaguely Chinese]
Evan Baxter: Kaa kaa poo poo. PEE PEE
[nervous laugh]
[as Bruce arrives late to work]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] “R EWE BLIND”
Bruce: God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I’m the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he’d rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.
[while Bruce is looking a guy next to a broken down car]
Homeless Man: [holding up a sign] “ALL FOR WON”
Grace: You know that everything happens for a reason.
Bruce: See, that I don’t need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”… I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
God: No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
Bruce: Excuse me, I need a spoooo…
[a spoon appears, sliding out of his mouth]
Bruce: It’s okay, I found one.
Bruce Nolan: Vol? Vol? You want a tissue or something? Can we get Vol a tissue… or a spoon?
God: Parting a soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It’s a magic trick. A single mom who’s working two jobs, and still finds time to take her son to soccer practice, that’s a miracle. A teenager who says “no” to drugs and “yes” to an education, that’s a miracle. People want me to do everything for them. What they don’t realize is *they* have the power. You want to see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
Jack: There he is, the man of the hour!
Bruce: Bless you, bless *all* of you! Be fruitful… and do long division or something!
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(Looking in the mirror with a comb on his top lip) “and thats the way…and thats the way.. the… cookie… crumbles and thats the way uh huh uh huh i like it uh huh uh huh….”